'Generous bonuses are the epitome of diversity': Inside the thoughts of the CBC

‘I regret our mandate for neutrality forbids us from reporting on the most pressing issue facing this country: The coordinated neocon plot to destroy public broadcasting’

Article content

The CBC was in the news this week not only for announcing a 10 per cent cut to their workforce, but for doing so amid claims by CBC President Catherine Tait that these layoffs may not end up interfering with their usual tack of handing out up to $16 million in employee bonuses.

In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of the CBC.

Advertisement 2

Article content

Article content


It is never easy to oversee the painful decisions required as a result of enforced austerity on the public broadcaster. Canadians rely on the CBC for so much, and any diminution in those services is nothing less than a form of cultural homicide. However, we are nothing if not adaptable; and we believe we have crafted a strategy that will maximize budgetary efficiency while minimizing the effect on programming. Henceforth, all CBC Radio outlets will replace their 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. programming lineups with a looped recording of the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. Bonuses — or “equity-enhancing inclusion surpluses,” as they’re now known — will thankfully remain untouched.


If there’s one thing that truly inspires me, it’s our mission to uplift voices so often forgotten by Canada’s profit-driven corporate media. Just this morning, we featured a first-person radio essay by a 25-year-old Haligonian who underwent an improvised at-home vasectomy in the service of climate and racial justice. Bravely, he did this without anaesthetic in order to better appreciate the plight of Canada’s marginalized.

Advertisement 3

Article content

Tomorrow, we will hear from a Barrie teaching assistant who has pledged to verbally apologize every time she sees a Canadian flag or even stylized maple leaf. Next, we will feature an op-ed lacking punctuation, spaces and the use of the letter “e” as a statement against the colonialized ordering of written words.

This country is a diverse tapestry of increasingly bizarre personal grievances by upper middle class professionals aged 25-43, and we will not rest until every single one has been has been featured and applauded.


I regret every day that our mandate for neutrality forbids us from reporting on the single most pressing issue facing this country: That Canada is in the grip of a coordinated neocon plot to destroy public broadcasting. The game plan is typical: Underfund a service until it is shambling and ineffective, and then use this as justification to destroy it altogether.

Federal contributions to our budget represented just $1.3 billion in 2023. That’s a mere 0.0015 per cent of global GDP! If there are deficiencies at the CBC, it is due wholly to inadequate and unsustainable funding. With $2 billion per year, we could afford the security necessary to approach members of the working class. With $3 billion, we could afford to completely eliminate both vocal fry and tongue clucks from our news broadcasts.

Advertisement 4

Article content


Even as we wholly embrace a new mission of focusing on the marginalized communities so often dehumanized by prior generations of public broadcasters, I will note the irony of our being unable to profile the most threatened and marginalized community of all: Ourselves.

Name me one other demographic whose total destruction is openly championed by a major political party. When the Conservatives call for the obliteration of gay people, Blacks, Asians or the handicapped, they have to do so subtly — sometimes by using complex numerical codes embedded in official press releases. But when it comes to the CBC, they feel emboldened to say it directly and without audio recordings whose true intentions can only be heard if played backwards. To me, that’s terrifying.


Here’s something I bet you thought you’d never hear from the CBC: There are times even we think that social justice and “wokery” has gone too far.

Case in point: We keep getting emails from Jewish listeners and university students saying they now feel “unsafe” in Canada. The reasons vary, but the gist is that they feel their “safe space” is compromised by mass-rallies peacefully calling for “intifada” or instances of non-violent protest that occasionally involve the discharge of firearms or the direct-action use of improvised petrol bombs.

The CBC does not condone these acts, but … come on now. We’re supposed to lead a news broadcast with a bomb threat or spray-painted swastika that *didn’t even* hurt anyone? This country’s gone soft.

Related Stories

Article content